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The Invisible Man
There has been a steady, 35-year climb in the number of fatherless children that only started leveling off in the late 1990s. In fact, never before in our nation's history have so many children grown up apart from dad. It is also important to recognize that physical father absence is not the only form of absence that is damaging to children. Unfortunately, many fathers are physically present, but emotionally and spiritually absent from their children's lives. The suburban dad who works 70 hours per week is case-and-point.
Decades of research have been conducted on the consequences of fatherlessness. A summary of the research: Children who live absent their biological fathers are, on average, at least two to three times more likely to be poor, to use drugs, to experience educational, health, emotional and behavioral problems, to be victims of child abuse and to engage in criminal behavior than their peers who live with their married, biological (or adoptive) parents.
In other words, across every measure of economic, educational, emotional, psychological and physical well-being, children growing up in fatherless homes are more at-risk.
Fatherless children are twice as likely to drop out of school. A study of adolescents charged with murder found that seven out of 10 grew up without their fathers. Children in single-parent homes have a 120 percent greater risk of being endangered by some type of child abuse. Adolescent females between the ages of 15 and 19 years reared in homes without fathers are significantly more likely to engage in premarital sex than adolescent females reared in homes with parents.
Entire communities are at risk from the crisis of fatherlessness. A review of just about every piece of bad news today reveals a story of fatherlessness lurking in the background. The D.C. sniper tragedy, the spate of child murders in Philadelphia, the rise of prostitution among teenage girls, record levels of incarceration--father absence is there, laying waste to families and communities like it never has before.
Frankly, American culture has contributed to this crisis. In too many instances, TV shows and advertising tend to view fathers as falling under one or more of the "three ds"--dumb, dangerous or disaffected.
In fact, several years ago, the National Fatherhood Initiative released a comprehensive study of TV sitcoms that showed fathers were eight times more likely to be portrayed negatively than mothers. And, only 35 percent of TV dads were portrayed positively.
The print media is not much better. In fact, I recently noticed that the new tagline on a popular "parenting" magazine is "What Really Matters to Moms." Aren't dads parents also?
Unfortunately, rather than a spate of new literature filling the magazine racks at local supermarkets that support and encourage the role of the father, the world of parenting magazines seems to be moving in the opposite direction.
Given the onslaught of negative messages about what it means to be a father, is it so surprising that so many guys are indifferent toward their children?
Clearly, not all fathers are absent, either physically or emotionally. In fact, some are involved in ways that American fathers have never been involved before.
Until the 1970s, a father was a man who was married to the mother of his children. His primary role was to provide financially for his children. Anything else a father did was considered peripheral to his central role of "breadwinner."
But certain cultural expectations of a father's role are changing. There is a "countercultural" trend emerging that emphasizes a father's need to be physically, emotionally and spiritually involved in his children's lives.
He is being asked to provide, nurture and guide. Fathers have always been comfortable with, and have been expected to fulfill, the providing part. But the "nurturing dad" is a relatively new concept for our society.
What exactly is a nurturing dad?
There are a few key attributes that define the nurturing dad. Specifically, he is a man who has positive self-worth and a strong sense of personal power. He has the ability to practice empathy and effective methods of disciplining his children.
He is effective in creating an environment of humor, laughter and fun in the household. He focuses not only on fathering skills, but also on taking care of himself and being a good man and a good husband to his wife.
The pages of the tale of the nurturing dad are filled with encouraging statistics. These dads are spending more time with their children. They are more concerned than ever before about balancing work and family. They are participating more in the primary care of their infants. The list goes on.
The key difference between the nurturing dad and the breadwinner dad is the nurturing dad is also a "heart-winner" who is involved in the day-to-day care of his children--everything from changing diapers, to reading to their children at bedtime, to taking the kids to the doctor, to driving the kids to school every morning.
The effect of this greater involvement is clear--fathers are able to be more spiritually involved in their children's lives. If a father is only providing, but not nurturing, it becomes difficult for him to effectively guide his children. His effectiveness in nurturing is making it easier for him to fulfill his role as spiritual guide to his children.
After all, one of the most important things a father can do for his children is to communicate values to them, and the nurturing dad is in a great position to carry out this vital fathering task.
But where did this dad come from? Despite the persistence of negative signals that dads receive, the reality is that there must be something behind this emergence of the nurturing dad.
A major impetus behind the emergence of the nurturing dad is the acceptance of women as full partners in the workplace, which has opened up wonderful avenues for the involvement of dads in their kids' lives.
Additionally, more and more social-service agencies are beginning to integrate fatherhood programming into the work they are doing to serve families. There is a full-fledged "fatherhood movement" of national and regional organizations dedicated to connecting fathers to their children.
Businesses are starting to consider father-friendly practices that will give fathers more flexibility to spend time with their families. Alongside all of the advertising that portrays fathers in a negative way, there are some key corporations that are producing ads that present images of responsible, nurturing dads.
The government also has begun considering legislation to support fathers--especially poor fathers--in their roles as providers and also to help them become more emotionally involved in their children's lives.
Few issues are closer to God's heart than connecting fathers to their children. After all, God sent Jesus Christ, His Son, to Earth to bring His lost children back to Him. Time and time again throughout Scripture, we see father-child relationships extolled as honorable, desirable and at the very center of God's will.
In fact, the God of the Bible stands alone in His embrace of the institution of responsible fatherhood. If you think the portrayal of fathers on television is bad, you need to read the mythologies of ancient cultures and their treatment of "father-gods."
Everyone from the Egyptians to the Mesopotamians, the Greeks to the Romans, told tales of carousing, irresponsible and violent father-gods who were outsmarted by their wives and children, and who did little else other than wreak havoc on the heavens and the earth.
As Christian men, we have a different model that we are compelled and instructed to follow. We are expected to love, teach and care for our children, because our heavenly Father has revealed Himself to be an involved, loving, redemptive Father who cares for His family.
Our true "homeland" has different laws, and it values those laws over those of our earthly home. Is it only a coincidence that God's model of a father is at odds with the world's fathers?
Every time we as Christian fathers spend time with our children, we are actually changing the culture for Christ and tipping the scales in favor of a victory for God's kingdom. Every time we are meaningfully engaged in our children's lives, we are actually modeling God's relationship with us--pleasing God and showing the culture a glimpse of heaven.
In fact, in the Gospel of Matthew, God models the guiding principle for all fathers. It's the powerful principle of "affirmation before temptation."
In the story of Christ's baptism, starting at Matthew 3:16, we read: "As soon as Jesus was baptized, he went up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and lighting on him.
And a voice from heaven said, 'This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.' Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desert to be tempted by the devil" (Matt. 3:16-4:1, NIV).
Before Jesus is led into the desert to be tempted by the devil, God publicly affirms Him with His love. God knew that Jesus, fully God and fully man, needed in His humanity to be affirmed by His Father before He went out to face the temptations of the world. And we know that Jesus was tempted in all the ways that we are all tempted, yet He did not sin.
As earthly fathers, we are called upon by our heavenly Father to provide, nurture and guide our children so that we can prepare them for a world that will present them with all kinds of temptations.
Think of the millions of children who are going out to face the temptations of the world without having been affirmed by their fathers. This is the heart of the crisis of fatherlessness in America. By Roland C. Warren, president of the National Fatherhood Initiative (NFI), a nonprofit organization whose mission is to improve the well-being of children by increasing the proportion of children growing up with involved, responsible and committed fathers. Learn more about NFI by visiting fatherhood.org, or write to 101 Lake Forest Blvd., Suite 360, Gaithersburg, MD 20877. |
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