One of the big advantages of marriage is the security of knowing that, come what may in this uncertain world, you always have a partner you can blame.

 

Blame is a marital perk that ranks right up there with sex. Considering that the average guy can perform blame multiple times in a single day, and even several times per hour if he has built up his stamina, blame is arguably even better than sex.

 

Go ahead, admit it. Blame makes us feel good, which is why we do it. Blame is a great way to relieve tension. You can be feeling all surly and grouchy, perhaps not even knowing why, and you find sweet release in blaming your wife, or the kids, or co-workers, or the state legislature, or the dog or the Chicago Bears.

 

Blaming someone else is an inherent part of what it means to be a guy. It comes naturally, so please don't think I am blaming you for it. I engage in blame all the time, so I am the last one to point fingers.

 

A lot of sermons imply that blame is immoral or shallow, but I feel we should embrace and even celebrate our blame. Indeed, I think we can make a strong theological case that blame is quite biblical.

 

While many ministers focus excessively on rather heavy topics—such as sanctification—that require all kinds of self-discipline and other puritanical virtues, most Christian scholars have given insufficient attention to the cheery doctrine of blamification, which is way easier to implement. Before any of you get offended or accuse me of heresy over this doctrine, first answer the following two questions:

 

· Did Adam and Eve blame each other for their mess in the Garden?

 

· Does the Bible include the account of their blamefest?

 

If you answered yes, then does it not follow that if blame is in the Bible, blame is biblical?

 

I rest my case.

 

In addition, I find that blame helps to keep me from becoming introspective and brooding about my faults. For example, during my recent annual physical exam my doctor noticed that I weighed as much as a Volvo station wagon.

 

He got all testy and critical with me, and I was beginning to slip into the unwelcome pit of guilt—but the portly steed of blame staggered swiftly to the rescue!

 

"Dave, your test results were, once again, awful," my doc began. "Your blood-sugar level places you at the 'borderline diabetic' level, your weight is a risk factor for heart disease, and you clearly are not engaging in 30 minutes per day of aerobic exercise.

 

"We have had this identical conversation every year for the past five years, and you never change any of your behaviors. I am going to be blunt here, Dave. The blame lies solely with you."

 

"Not so fast, Doc," I replied. "My wife happens to be an excellent cook. Were it not for her culinary skills, I would easily be mistaken for an Olympic diver.

 

"So she is legally culpable here," I continued. "I think a jury of my peers would agree that she needs to be held accountable for her reckless endangerment of my health."

 

He not only glared at me, but he also was unnecessarily aggressive during the prostate exam. I was so traumatized by his acrimonious comments and unkind actions that I felt compelled to seek comfort at my local ice cream parlor.

 

When you think about it, since God is the one who created the women who are the main purveyors of delicious food, we may need to consider that the true blame can be traced back to heaven.

 

Although this line of argumentation was not terribly effective for Adam, and even though it got him tossed out of the Garden of Eden and plunged all of humanity into moral and physical decay, those drawbacks do not detract from the brilliance of his defense. They merely give us someone else to blame—Adam!

 

I hope you have found this column helpful. But if not, don't blame me.

 

By Dave Meurer, New Man's award-wining humorist and the author of Mistake It Like a Man (Multnomah). Visit him online at davemeurer.net.