Men Need Men

I believe most men want close friends in spite of the fact that, as a group, men tend to process things more individually than women might do. Even though much of a man’s life is spent projecting a confident, strong, handle-whatever-comes image, deep down he doesn’t like being an island. Men long for “buds” that go beyond having someone to hang out with (although that’s part of it).

The problem is that many of us don’t know how to be vulnerable, and even if we did, we wouldn’t want to be! Vulnerability involves real risk. I’m sure most men would rather hang glide, bungee jump, shoot whitewater rapids or skydive before they would open up with somebody about their real life struggles.

Sam, a friend of mine, told me that many men want a meaningful men’s ministry, but churches fail to provide it, so many men choose to remain an island-even in the church.

“The hurt and problems run so deep in many men,” Sam said. “It drives us away from the solutions that we need. I desire to one day have more real and honest relationships with men in my church.”

Sam and other men like him need companionship and friendship with other men. Men need to be discipled by other men who will commit to spend more time with them, hear their problems, pray with them, stick with them through thick and thin and encourage them to grow and become new men in Christ, fulfilling their destinies from God.

That’s the reason I started my men’s group back in 1992. I’ve joked about the fact we were going to help each other through midlife crisis. But we had a higher calling. I remember asking the men what we could accomplish if we each challenged each other to become all we could become in Christ.

Most men haven’t been trained to be friends with others. And the devil tries to exploit men by keeping them in a type of solitary confinement. Author Preston Gillham says that the enemy of God and man perpetrates a uniquely masculine attack- isolation. We have tried to adapt, accept and accommodate masculine loneliness by glamorizing it in the movies and portraying men as independent and self-sufficient. But the fact is, men need men.

One of the deep needs in a man’s life is masculine companionship. Gordon MacDonald puts it this way: “We were built for intimacy, this linkage of souls, but most of us men rarely experience it. And its scarcity breeds loneliness (I don’t really know anyone) and fuels remoteness (No one really knows me).

For me, my wife Joy is my best friend and has been since 1972. She is the one whose company I enjoy more than anyone else. But I also have men friends. Joy doesn’t play racquetball, or golf or lift weights-they are not “her thing.” So Steve Beam, founder of Missionary Ventures, and I have become not only good friends, but “racquetball buddies.”

I just enjoy hanging around these guys. Along with the men in my men’s group, I can be open with them and share my life with them. Because both are strong Christians, being with them inspires me spiritually.

What’s the point? I’m giving examples from my own life of where these relationships have filled a real need. Cultivating these friendships is hard work and requires time. But to me, they are well worth the effort because they make life so much richer.

I challenge you to do the same. Start reaching out to other men in your church. It may be difficult or awkward at first. But do it anyway. It doesn’t need to start with something major. Maybe the first step is to start playing sports or just hanging out with Christian brothers. Once you have a network of friends, initiate or join activities that are more spiritually beneficial, like prayer meetings, Bible studies, mentoring relationships or accountability groups. Remember, there are many men out there who are desperate for fellowship. Come alongside them and show them that the game of life is best played in a team.

Excerpted from Old Man, New Man by Steve Strang