Men without Friends
Have you lost the majority of your male friends?
If you're like most grown men, the answer is likely, "Yes." A recent article in Best Life magazine entitled, "Where have all the men gone?" states that in the last two decades, "American men have shed nearly half of their male friendships."
I found the statistic startling--and perplexing. What's behind this trend? Have we all developed social phobias or suddenly morphed into reclusive misanthropes? Nope. We're just busy. Really busy.
The article paints the picture of the average guy's day. Tell me if this sounds familiar.
"You work 50- to 60-hour weeks. On weekends, you shuttle the kids to their sports practices and playdates. On Saturday nights, if you’re lucky, you get a sitter so that you and your significant other can engage in that ritual meant to keep things zesty—“date night”—but at times you long for another type of date. Perhaps, during those rare moments you have for reflection, when your fingers are not working your BlackBerry as you sit in commuter traffic, you think about how your social life has changed (or evaporated) since you were a swinging postcollegiate, sharing a loft, say, with three close friends."
If that's your life you don't have much time to hang with the guys. You're too busy. Too tired.
Fading friendships among men is a huge problem that I believe requires some serious attention. Now I know what you're thinking. My wife is my friend. My kids are my friends. Hey, that's great! But that doesn't get you off the hook, especially if you're serious about living the Christian life. What if David had been too busy for Jonathan? Or if Barnabas hadn't hung out with Paul? Or if Jesus hadn't sought out the disciples?!
When men fail to connect something terrible happens ... nothing. No discipleship, no accountability, no growth.
Do you find you have less male friends today than you did ten years ago? Do you think it's a problem? What can we do as Christians? Let us know your thoughts!
If you're like most grown men, the answer is likely, "Yes." A recent article in Best Life magazine entitled, "Where have all the men gone?" states that in the last two decades, "American men have shed nearly half of their male friendships."
I found the statistic startling--and perplexing. What's behind this trend? Have we all developed social phobias or suddenly morphed into reclusive misanthropes? Nope. We're just busy. Really busy.
The article paints the picture of the average guy's day. Tell me if this sounds familiar.
"You work 50- to 60-hour weeks. On weekends, you shuttle the kids to their sports practices and playdates. On Saturday nights, if you’re lucky, you get a sitter so that you and your significant other can engage in that ritual meant to keep things zesty—“date night”—but at times you long for another type of date. Perhaps, during those rare moments you have for reflection, when your fingers are not working your BlackBerry as you sit in commuter traffic, you think about how your social life has changed (or evaporated) since you were a swinging postcollegiate, sharing a loft, say, with three close friends."
If that's your life you don't have much time to hang with the guys. You're too busy. Too tired.
Fading friendships among men is a huge problem that I believe requires some serious attention. Now I know what you're thinking. My wife is my friend. My kids are my friends. Hey, that's great! But that doesn't get you off the hook, especially if you're serious about living the Christian life. What if David had been too busy for Jonathan? Or if Barnabas hadn't hung out with Paul? Or if Jesus hadn't sought out the disciples?!
When men fail to connect something terrible happens ... nothing. No discipleship, no accountability, no growth.
Do you find you have less male friends today than you did ten years ago? Do you think it's a problem? What can we do as Christians? Let us know your thoughts!
posted by Drew Dyck at 2:58 PM
20 Comments:
I wish I could say that I have lost male friends but I cannot. I have never had any my whole life.
On top of that I am in a 2nd marriage. In both cases I thought the woman was my friend. Found out a few years later I was wrong. So my only real friend is Jesus.
Attempts to make friends for the most part with men at the church have failed. I am not up in the social strata that they are financially. Even if I were the house is a mess from my working two jobs and a wife and kids to something to clean it, so I would not invite them over. And the wife spends every cent I have and complains that I do not make more.
I laugh when I see things about male friends. I just wish I had one.
I don't believe in luck but I do believe in irony. I just said to my wife, I really don't have friends. I am disappointed in our church and the men's groups; just another "clique" I know, people tell me, YOU take the intinative get in there but to be honest it's almost always been me. There is real value in asking men to join groups, maybe even more then once. I believe the church has missed a great oppertunity to draw men into the church. Promisekeepers was and can still be great tool to bring men together. All comes down to one simple word and Jesus did it well:
COMMUNICATE! Men need male friends because after a while they will fall away.
You must put in the time and effort. Friendships take nourishment and energgy and practice. I would urge you, just like a date night, have a male friend/activity night with members of your church. Once you get in the habit, you will look forward to it and plan for it.
I would recommend prayer. Not to sound trite or cliche, but He is deeply and intimately concerned with your total growth and well-being. Lots of people try to give you "How-To's" on making friends and there is some good advice out there, But I think that we as men tend to try to pick ourselves up by our boot-straps and believe that we should be able to do this on our own or there is something wrong with us . . . like maybe we are fallen, sinful, largely self-centered human beings. I guess there IS something wrong with us. Perhaps we should talk to God more and other people less, but even more than that we have to listen to hear God's responses, we need to be more aware of the fact that God is always at work around us and who better than God can work on another man's heart to meet your needs, there is no need for coercion or manipulation. Our Father should be our first recourse instead of our last resort.
James 1:19,20
Book:
"All The King's Men" by Stu Weber
I have tried for years to make some male friends in the church but to no avail. I even started a men's group in my church & the guys are staying away in droves. Everyone always seems to busy (or tired). I grew up without a dad so I know what it's like not to have a man around to talk to. Sometimes you just need another guy to talk to & get a different perspective on things.
One major reason for not having friends, apart from tight time schedule is a low level relationship with Jesus. If one is in rich relationship with Him, the ability to relate, even with the opposite sex would be less of a problem. I am one who finds it difficult to make friends, either of the sexes, but I found this out: when my relationship is rich with Jesus, i easily make friends. Selah. CHEERS!
Just reading over some of the
comments on this page, it is a very
sad commentary about Christian Men and friendships or lack of them.
I define friendships as associates
or people I may know and not confide in. We speak about things
but not on a personal level.
That is the extent of my friendships. I personally
feel that I don't need to go any
farther that that. They are aware
that I am a Christian. Some of them are not. Some are Hindu,
Buddist or Muslim, some no faith
at all. We talk about the differences of our faith.
But what I have noticed is that
there is one group where the men
are very close to one another and
this group as you may expect are
Muslims.
Christian men including myself, I
know we can do so much better than
this!
Although we usually want to go "deep" into God's word, it is also important to back out and view the Bible macroscopically. At that level, we see an important perspective: it is a book of relationships--God's desire for a love-based relationship with us; and, His desire that we have love-based relationships with both believers and non-believers. I believe that essence of Christianity is found in soul-enriching relationships--including friendships between Christian men.
i wish to thank everyone for their comments on here.looking back over my life and god willing about to see my 46th birthday at the end of this week, god knew and wants me to come to him for all relationships. his is and always will be number one. if it's not his way this you go round and round like a hamster on a wheel in a pet shop.lol.prayer,reading the bible and lots of other resources(books) have blessed and helped me. seeing people come and go while serving in the military most of my adult life.i tell people god has taken the mess of my life and turned it into a message to help other men build their lives with the gospel of jesus christ
This is my first post here. I can't tell you how much this post encourages me! My father rejected me when I was a kid because I wanted to be a Christian. I was also molested by a family member. These things have made me so afraid to make male friends, that I didn't really know how to reach out. I'm beginning to heal from these things that have happened to me, but I'm also finding myself wishing I had more male friends and role models. A major misperception I did have was that guys (who weren't molested like me) didn't really need male friendships, therefore I shouldn't need any. This blog has really blown that away. Because now I feel like I'm not the only one who is scared of friendship. Thanks you guys so much!
I am a gay male and within the gay world men look for straight acting and masculine men. I am not into roles nor gender expectations and I feel that they are the ones with the problem of having no friends. I try to treat others with respect and I get none.
k
You have it ALL WRONG people....
Males in nature are competitors....all men compete with the alpha male for the dominant position. Most men end up losing to the alpha male and fight their entire lives to get to that position. Meanwhile the alpha males runs the corporation, takes all the money for himself, sleeps with all the girls, and you go crying that life isn't fair. This is how primates evolved and we are part of that game....men were never supposed to be friends once they became adults
Men who are around each other quite a bit (work, neighborhodd, church, etc.) tend to become friends if they share the same values. Married men also tend to become friends with other married men. Single men tend to become friends with other single men. Rarely do married or single adult men become close friends. If the friendship is cultivated and two guys enjoy doing the same thing, it lasts for the time being. Once that mutual activity ends (games, watching sports, hiking, etc.) the friendship tends to fizzle over a short period of time. Male-female friendships are not generally based on a mutual activity like male friendships and they last longer; in fact, they can last over many years even at a great distance. Still, I long for the type of male friendships I had as a youngster and young adult. But I also value the male friendships I had later, even if they were of a temporary nature. I would say I trust male friends more than female ones, no matter what. Male friends don't get romance mixed up with a friendship. Women will. And when women find a romantic partner, they will dump a platonic male friend very quickly, no matter their age.
Drew, I think one thing a man seeking male friendship is this: There are two main categories of friends: close friends and casual ones. People (especially men) tend to have very few close friends and several (if not many) casual ones. Don't expect every male friendship to be a close one or for that type of friendship to develop quickly. They say most close friendships develop over a period of at least three years. In that light, thank God for your casual friends, those you enjoy doing things with even in a group, but who you probably would not confide in to any great extent. As far as church friendships go: I believe it is a stretch to find lasting male friendships at church, simply because it is difficult to find something that mutually binds two guys together there, other than church membership, fatherhood, etc. A former close friend was around my own age and we held the same values and we enjoyed doing at least one activity together on a regular basis (walking, volleyball, etc.). Yet, I have to admit, that similarity in age is not always the litmust test for male friendships (and we were both raised as methodists). I still have two, now-long distance male friends who were younger than me --and raised in different denominations -- and I would not call them overly religious or even spiritual, yet they are good men (one only recently married and one is soon to be married). I have learned to value what I have at any given moment as far as male friends go. (My former best friend, a Lutheran pre-seminarian, died suddenly of cancer at the age of 28.)
One last thing Drew, I tend to beleive that one could find casual male friends at church, but not necessarily close male friends. When I hear one male friend talk of his church-connected male friends, it's as if he is talking about casual friendships, not close ones. And the man practically lives in the church.
to DAVID and BOB, I can relate to what your saying. My dad died when I was fifteen and we had never been close, he and my mom had been divorced since I was 6 and mom raised me and when he died, although I was hurt, it was more like a mere acquaintance died. I needed a man to talk to then, I was fifteen, and I didn't have anyone. I still find I need a male friend to talk to honestly, but I have never had that and feel I never will.If you would like to respond email me at: dlo2143@gmail.com
glen said...
male friendship has been the most hurtful aspect of my 47 year life. a family man, business man, go to church and yeti can say the church is the most hypocritical institution for male friendship. i pray my sons never experience the discouragement of the hidden part of my christian life. read luke 22, thats the church today, "who is the greatest in the kingdom" syndrome
Post a Comment
Links to this post:
Create a Link
<< Home