Why Men Really Cheat

Recently I spoke to a friend who had been unfaithful to his wife. I was saddened by his sin and curious about what had led to his moral failure. Was it just hormones? Had some sultry temptress caused him to let down his guard?

While lust had certainly played a part, I realized as we talked that something else had driven him to break his marriage vows—something less dramatic, but just as powerful.

He was bored. Bored with work. Bored with marriage. Bored with life.

The conversation led me to wonder how many other men fall prey to sexual temptation for the same reason. Now don’t get me wrong. Plain old physical lust always plays a role in male infidelity. But I’m guessing that the average middle-aged man who cheats on his wife doesn’t do it because he’s a bubbling cauldron of testosterone. He was more virile in his twenties. Instead the sin results when lust works in tandem with unfulfilled desires and unrealized dreams.

Men cheat because of lust. But they also stray because they’re thirsty for a thrill, for adventure, for transcendence. Most long to escape their workaday lives of “quiet desperation.” A dalliance with a different woman offers the false promise of release from a life that has grown stale and dull. At the root of the desire is spiritual need. The great Christian writer G.K. Chesterton put it this way: “Every man who knocks on the door of a brothel is looking for God.”

So here’s the twist—and the tragedy. That deep-down desire for meaning—which I believe is holy and God-given—can lead a man to spiritual ruin. But there’s good news too. If we fulfill our deepest desires with the things of God, we will live lives of meaning and adventure. And when that inevitable sexual temptation slams into our lives, it will not be met with the knell of an empty soul.

God Forgives. Visa Does Not.

In the movies reckless addictions lead to spectacular, climactic explosions: a brutal accident, a fistfight, a dramatic confrontation. So I was a little surprised when my addiction ended quietly; just me holding a steaming chilidog and a super Big Gulp while a line of people behind me shuffled restlessly.

“I’m sorry,” whispered the teen-ager behind the counter, shaking her head, “this isn’t going through.” I squinted and feigned confusion. She raised her voice. “Your credit card isn’t working.” My faced flushed. I smiled weakly at the onlookers, surrendered my chilidog and slinked out the door.

Skulking across the parking lot, a scene flashed before my mind’s eye like a fuzzy dream bubble in a soap opera. The scene was from a year before. The location was the bank near my college. After opening a checking account the lady asked me nonchalantly, “Would you like a Visa with that?” It was like she was offering me fries with my burger or ice cream with my cake. It was so casual. I didn’t even think to decline.

It was my first day of college. I had just registered for the fall term classes, moved into a room on campus and waved goodbye to my parents. My world was changing so rapidly that I hardly noticed when the little plastic creature slipped into my wallet.

At first having the card was pure bliss: fully financed trips to the mall, late-night junk food runs. “Who wants pizza? I’ve got it covered,” I’d boast. I’d whip the card out of my pocket like a gunslinger drawing his weapon. Initially the minimum monthly payment was negligible so I kept trucking. And once I reached my first limit I was rewarded with a new goal!

I had met with a new breed of pleasure. I was experiencing the joy of buying without the pain of spending. I had always hated passing bright, crisp bills into the hand of a stranger. I would imagine the faces on the bills frowning up at me as they slid across the cashier’s counter. “Bye, bye, poorer master.”

But this was just plastic! Of course I wasn’t quite dumb enough to believe I wasn’t being charged. Alas it turns out that the mind is no match for the senses, because I kept going.
After my public humiliation at the convenience store, I received the fateful statement; the one telling me I’d gone several hundred dollars beyond my limit. Suddenly they were demanding the minimum payment plus the overage. The introductory 9% A.P.R. disappeared like a toupee in a windstorm. In its place was by a blistering 21%. The honeymoon was over.

It was a tough lesson for a college kid, one that stretched out for three years as I struggled to pay down the balance. But I learned from it. Now as an older wiser man I know better. I take extreme measures to avoid unnecessary debt. My two credit cards are suspended in a massive block of ice and buried deep in the freezer. The addiction is not dead. I still feel their pull. Occasionally I peak in on them. They seem to call to me from their icy graves, like cryogenically frozen bodies yearning for a second life. “I’m sorry,” I mouth tenderly through the frigid vapors. “It’s not you. It’s me.” I show new credit applications absolutely zero compassion. They are automatically consigned to the shredder.

I wouldn’t recommend running up credit card debt to learn lessons (there are less painful ways to learn), but my experience did teach me a valuable lesson.

God forgives. Visa does not.

No matter what stupid things we do, God stands ready to forgive, to return our balance to zero—even when we’ve messed up bad.

VISA has no such concept of mercy. I know they seem nice in the commercials, but they’re not. They didn’t care one iota about my deep contrition and sincere repentance. In fact their customer service reps found my confession and pleas for mercy “strange and inappropriate.” Sigh. I guess some people just don’t understand grace.

You are His Masterpiece

Do you see yourself as a child of almighty God? Remember whose you really are. You are an original masterpiece. In fact, the Bible uses these exact words to describe us! “We are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago” (Ephesians 2:10). There has never been and never will be anyone just like you.

Your life here on earth is your special, unrepeatable opportunity to fulfill God’s vision for your life and to magnify the joy he has placed within you. Recognize that the true you is not your flesh and bones. You are a spiritual being living a temporary human experience—a dress rehearsal for eternity. Why not see yourself as joy-filled as God created you to be?

Remember that joy is an outward sign of inward faith in God’s promises. So, by magnifying the joy God has given you, you also exhibit your faith to others and encourage them to impact the world in significant ways.

Any permanent progress in life starts on the inside and spreads to the outside. Attempted improvement that begins externally is doomed for failure in the long run. Why? All lasting growth begins with changes to the mental images you hold inside your head. They ultimately spread to the outside and create permanent changes in your circumstances. What are you doing with this opportunity this week?

Tommy Newberry is the author of The 4:8 Principle available from Tyndale House Publishers this September.

Straw Ballot: 2008 Presidential Election

This is an open poll. The views reflected here do not necessarily represent the opinions of New Man magazine readers.

Mike Huckabee is pro-life, pro-family and the happily married father of three who is a former pastor. After being governor of Arkansas for 10 years, he may be the best qualified candidate to become U.S. president in 2008. Click here to read our story from the July/August 2007 issue of New Man.

My Kids are Listening to What?

If your teens are caving in to this era's less than wholesome music scene, consider offering them some these Christian artists as an alternative to the mainstream tunes.

The world of modern pop culture presents all kinds of dilemmas for the parents of the current generation of teenagers. Gratuitous sex, drug and alcohol use, anti-authority, anti-religion and rebellious attitudes are just a few of the recurring themes that can be found on Top 40 radio—or worse, on your kid's iPod.

Here are just a handful of hot Christian artists that might shed some light on the darkness that has invaded the mainstream music industry:

HOW CAN WE BE SILENT by Barlow Girl (Fervent). As the Barlow Girl revolution continues, the band’s third project features a healthy dose of power-pop ballads ("Keep Quiet") and ("Song for the Broken") and straight-up rock anthems ("Million Voices"). More importantly, this sisterly trio provides young girls with reinforcing messages of hope, purity and self-acceptance in Christ.
Recommended for fans of: Avril Lavigne, Aly & AJ, Krystal Meyers, Superchick.

TENSION by Dizmas (Credential). If there’s something familiar sounding about the latest from Dizmas, it's probably because the band pulls from so many different rock and roll streams including Euro-rock, '80s pop-rock, '90s alt-rock and modern rock influences of the 21st Century. Rarely letting off the gas pedal, "Jealousy Hurts," "Shake It Off" and "Dance" highlight this up-and-coming band's full throttle approach.
Recommended for fans of: Daughtry, Anberlin, Number One Gun.

PRESSURE THE HINGES by Haste The Day (Solid State). It’s official. Hardcore is back. And bands like Haste the Day are leading the charge to musical respectability thanks to relentless guitar riffs and passion-packed vocals that bounce back and forth between melodic vocals and effectively-placed screams. Pressure The Hinges finds this rising band taking a gargantuan leap with challenging lyrical fare and hard-hitting, pulsating rhythms that will earn the respect of the most selective hardcore enthusiast.
Recommended for fans of: The Chariot, As Cities Burn, Underoath, Cry of the Afflicted.

FOUNTAIN OF LIFE by Japhia Life (Beatmart). Philly native Japhia Life is committed to reaching the thug culture with his deliberate, but melodic flavored take on East Coast hip hop. This mostly autobiographical collection of songs is highly listenable and offers divine hope and tough love for young people in the hood, in the ‘burbs and everywhere in between.
Recommended for fans of: Kanye West, 50 Cent, Akon, Flame.

WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW by Khul Rhema (Gozpul). Within the world of crunk music, profanity and lewd lyrics are so common it’s almost shocking to hear solo artist Khul Rhema using the same beats to praise God. Dirty South influenced hip hop songs such as “Get Loose,” “Throw ‘Em Up” and “Praizin’ God” find this articulate lyricist from Atlanta bucking the genre’s disappointing stereotypes with a bold intensity for worship.
Recommended for fans of: Lil’ Jon, Ludacriss, T.I., Lecrae.

TRUE BEAUTY by Mandisa (Sparrow/EMI). With “American Idol” craziness crazier than ever, it’s refreshing to see a strong Christian influence emerge from one of TV’s hottest shows. That includes Gospel diva Mandisa (Season 5). Teen girls will especially dive into this RNB-pop influenced collection of songs including the crossover hit “Only The World.”
Recommended for fans of: Whitney Houston, Jill Scott, Trin-i-tee 5:7, Mary Mary.

PURE NRG by Pure NRG (Fervent). If your pre-teen kids are hooked on the Disney hit machine, look no further than “tween” sensation Pure NRG for high octane, pure sugarcoated pop with a faith-infused message. Danceable songs like “260” and “Live My Life For You” are balanced by new millennium takes on classics such as Amy Grant’s “Thy Word” and the Kenny Loggins 80s smash hit “Footloose.”
Recommended for fans of: Hannah Montana, T-Squad, Jump 5.

HAWTHORNE’S MOST WANTED by RedCloud (Syntax). One of the hip hop game’s best freestyle rappers is back with his unique West Coast-flavored style. Bringing a slew of talented guest artists into the mix, Native American RedCloud still manages to shine on such sure-fired hits as “Tapatio,” “405” and “Guns & Roses.”
Recommended for fans of: Mos Def, L.A. Symphony, Pigeon John.

DO YOU FEEL by The Rocket Summer (Island). Thanks to an endless source of energy and a penchant for bouncy, 70s-influenced melodies, The Rocket Summer is making piano rock cool again. Do You Feel will leave listeners of all ages snapping fingers, tapping toes and humming memorable tunes from the first downbeat all the way until the final track.
Recommended for fans of: Ben Folds, Hanson, Jon McLaughlin.

SECONDHAND DREAMING by Ruth (Tooth & Nail). On its debut project, Ruth displays musical and lyrical maturity that defies conventional wisdom. While much of the record is steeped in straight-forward pop-rock, elements of Americana and post-modern rock make for 12 addictively compelling tunes highlighted by up-tempo rockers “One Foot In, One Foot Out” and the album’s title track.
Recommended for fans of: Jimmy Eat World, Switchfoot, House of Heroes. NM

—Reviews by Chad Bonham

Letter from a Senator

In the current issue of New Man magazine we ran a feature on presidential candidate, Mike Huckabee. We chose to spotlight Huckabee because we feel he is truly "one of our own," a candidate who not only possesses exceptional leadership skills, but also shares our Christian faith and the desire to see our country return to its Judeo-Christian roots.

I want to share a letter written by a prominent senator. The letter is about Huckabee and was written to a Christian leader. It provides an insider's perspective on the 2008 race and gives a compelling look at how Huckabee is emerging as a leader. Names have been withheld to protect privacy. Please read the letter below. I believe he's a candidate worth considering.

Assistant Editor,

Drew Dyck


I have just returned from the annual meeting of the American Legislative Exchange Council. ALEC is an organization made up of about 1,000 conservative state legislators. The organization has national status, and President Bush addressed the breakfast meeting Thursday morning.

On Friday, we had a National Policy Briefing. All major presidential candidates from both parties were invited but only Fred Thompson and Mike Huckabee accepted.

Before the meeting, the general attitude of the group (including me) was that Senator Thompson was a favorite because he could capture the soul of the conservative wing of the Republican Party. We were willing to listen to Governor Huckabee out of respect for his serving as a conservative Governor in a tough state, but our real interest was in hearing Thompson.

The format of the meeting was that Gov. Huckabee went first, lunch was served, and finally Senator Thompson spoke.

When Governor Huckabee finished, a hush fell over the crowd. At one point during his talk, people were wiping tears from their eyes. I made a point to mingle during lunch because I thought my reaction might have been the exception. However, the consensus throughout the banquet hall was that this guy (Huckabee) has ideas, and can articulate them in a powerful way. He seemed to possess the spirit of Reagan, something missing for a very long time.

After Huckabee’s address, the crowd was still very interested in hearing Senator Thompson, feeling that "he's the real candidate".

But Senator Thompson gave a horrible speech. It was much more like an academic lecture, lacking both ideas and emotion. When he finished, even the Tennessee delegation was expressing frustration.

Perhaps he had a bad day, but he did not have any ideas, and seemed to have no passion.
At the conclusion of the meeting, we noticed that the press was crowded around Thompson. But the people were crowded around Huckabee.

I know that your group is very seriously looking at getting behind Thompson. In my opinion, this would be a very serious mistake. With this type campaign, Thompson's campaign will not last 60 days.

I realize that Huckabee has no money, little ID, and a small organization, but he does embody the ideas that you and your group represent. I sincerely ask that you give him another look. With your backing, he can survive the early primaries, and be a force in the summer of 2008.

To find out more about Mike Huckabee, visit his Web site

Simpsons Movie Review

There's a scene in the new Simpsons movie where the family barges into church late and the congregation overhears an obnoxious Homer grousing about their "phony baloney God."

Alone, that scene might cause some believers to at least wince, if not storm out of the theater. A few minutes later, however, the slandered Deity appears as a ray of light (naturally), prompting Grandpa Simpson to go into a psychotic-prophetic seizure and warn the town of impending danger.

It’s fitting that religion plays a role in the family’s big-screen debut since the Simpsons have been the most active churchgoers on secular television, frequently tackling issues of faith, spirituality and religion with humor and thinly-veiled satire.

Having ignored the elder Simpson's warning, Homer’s actions bring judgment on the town of Springfield, creating a hilarious, epic adventure that rewards viewers paying for "something you can get for free," as Homer groans in the film’s opening moments. It’s one of many one-liners crafted from the creators for longtime fans, who no doubt will cherish the movie as their own Casablanca.

Thankfully, unlike its ugly cousin South Park's big-screen adventure, the creators didn’t feel the need to stretch the bounds of raunch, varying only slightly from their allowable television language and content (Marge yells an unnecessary profanity toward the end while Bart goes boarding in the buff in the beginning), sailing well within a PG-13 rating.

by DeWayne Hamby