Failing Homosexuals
If you're like me—a theologically conservative Christian—you probably get sick of being labeled "homophobic." You hear it in the secular media all the time: people who oppose the practice of homosexuality are benighted, backward and bigoted. Above all we’re accused of being scared stiff of gay people.
I can honestly say that, for me, this is not the case. Yes, I believe homosexuality is a sin. But I do not fear homosexuals. Being around them does not make me squeamish. I have no visceral reaction of disgust when I meet them. I regard them much as I do anyone ensnared by destructive desires—with sympathy and hope for renewal.
But there is something that I must confess. By and large we evangelicals have done a poor job of reaching out to homosexuals.
I know I have. My first failing might be excused. I was about 13 years old when a confused buddy admitted he was experiencing same-sex attraction. “That’s weird, man” was about all I could offer.
I wouldn’t think about the topic until a few years later when the worship leader of our church stood in front of the congregation and confessed he was gay. He immediately stepped down from leadership and submitted to a course of restoration.
That wasn’t enough for some folks. My father was the pastor and heard their complaints. “I’m not bringing kids to a church with a homosexual in it!” one man shouted.
I’m proud to say that my father stood his ground. He refused to banish a repentant sinner from the community. Soon after he would lose his pastorate in no small part because of that controversial, but Christ-like, stand.
My next experience was just a few years ago. My landlord was gay. He invited my wife and I over for a casual party at his place. My wife had to work on the night of the party, but I decided to go alone. When I opened the door to his place, I suddenly found myself among thirty gay men sipping wine and discussing art.
I felt very out of place. I wasn’t scared—just awkward. What could I say to these men who were so very different from me? I grew up playing and talking sports with my father and three older brothers. I had no idea how to relate to these men.
After about a half hour of stilted conversation I excused myself and slipped out the door.
I should have stayed. I should have reached out to those men. I should have let them know that Christians care enough to push past their comfort zones to show them the love of God.
Next time I will. I hope you do too.
I can honestly say that, for me, this is not the case. Yes, I believe homosexuality is a sin. But I do not fear homosexuals. Being around them does not make me squeamish. I have no visceral reaction of disgust when I meet them. I regard them much as I do anyone ensnared by destructive desires—with sympathy and hope for renewal.
But there is something that I must confess. By and large we evangelicals have done a poor job of reaching out to homosexuals.
I know I have. My first failing might be excused. I was about 13 years old when a confused buddy admitted he was experiencing same-sex attraction. “That’s weird, man” was about all I could offer.
I wouldn’t think about the topic until a few years later when the worship leader of our church stood in front of the congregation and confessed he was gay. He immediately stepped down from leadership and submitted to a course of restoration.
That wasn’t enough for some folks. My father was the pastor and heard their complaints. “I’m not bringing kids to a church with a homosexual in it!” one man shouted.
I’m proud to say that my father stood his ground. He refused to banish a repentant sinner from the community. Soon after he would lose his pastorate in no small part because of that controversial, but Christ-like, stand.
My next experience was just a few years ago. My landlord was gay. He invited my wife and I over for a casual party at his place. My wife had to work on the night of the party, but I decided to go alone. When I opened the door to his place, I suddenly found myself among thirty gay men sipping wine and discussing art.
I felt very out of place. I wasn’t scared—just awkward. What could I say to these men who were so very different from me? I grew up playing and talking sports with my father and three older brothers. I had no idea how to relate to these men.
After about a half hour of stilted conversation I excused myself and slipped out the door.
I should have stayed. I should have reached out to those men. I should have let them know that Christians care enough to push past their comfort zones to show them the love of God.
Next time I will. I hope you do too.
posted by Drew Dyck at 12:52 PM
23 Comments:
I just read Alan Chambers’s article “Alan Chambers Talks to New Man About His Ministry to Homosexuals.”
I agree with him, and see his approach as healthy and realistic. I have struggled with these issues in my own life, and have seen an amazing healing take place as I became accountable, transparent with the right people (that is really important), and open with my spouse. Now I am actually helping other guys find ways out, either through support groups or connecting them with ministries like Living Waters that Alan mentioned.
I am old enough to remember when divorce in the church was the hot topic issue. I see the day that the church in American will look at this issue of same-sex attraction, the same way we now look at divorce; just an uncomfortable part of church life.
I had a paternal aunt that was a lesbian probably from before my birth (she passed many years ago); I have a first cousin that has children & became a lesbian later in life - I haven't seen her in many many years.
I had a good friend that was a Colonel in the Air Force & now a commercial pilot that was a homosexual & I guess probably still is not in contact with him any longer.
These people/relatives are not in my life but they have been at one time & it was usually a hush hush thing with family & with the friend he was of course not coming out while in the military - too much at stake. I really liked him & we did quite a bit together - almost like a girlfriend but he was not feminine at all. And my relationship with him was about God & ended on that same note. I am not shy about witnessing & he was open to listen & he moved away & contacted me once & another Christian woman had become his friend & I think he was seriously considering giving his life to Jesus - I don't know if that ever happened but God didn't seem to be giving up on him. He told me he knew from a small boy he was different/homosexual - we had many discussion about all the aspects of his dilemma. I doubt that I would have like him as much as I did if he had been feminine or flaming but he wasn't. I think we all find it easy to be around or like homosexuals if they are not so blatant & pushy/forward about their situation.
I also have a best friend that her son (which is the same age as my son/25) is homosexual also & sort of effeminate but he is really a nice/good person/young man. I knew him when he was a boy & I know that it is hard for my friend being his mother & loving him unconditionally & sometimes I feel she compromises in her ideas about homosexuality because it is hard to know the Scriptures toward that behavior & also I'm sure that is not the future she would have had him pick for his life & expecting to be a grandmother some day to his children.
It is a very very sad situation for them & those of us who are their family and/or love them. AND - I certainly do not believe in same sex marriages or them raising children together because that is out of order with God - Scripture says so & I would not desire to be in their shoes for sure.
If you ever need to see how God can heal/overcome this sin - then look at Dennis Jernigan's website: http://www.dennisjernigan.com
God has healed him from homosexuality... :)
Drew,
I think you are more than making up for your past short comings. God is giving you an international platform to share the truth and grace of Christ!
Thanks for your example!
Alan Chambers
President, Exodus International
Author, God's Grace and the Homosexual Next Door
This post has been removed by the author.
Drew,
Thank you for your transparency! As someone who has walked away from homosexuality, I can completely understand your statement on how you felt being at your landlord's party: "I felt very out of place. I wasn’t scared—just awkward. What could I say to these men who were so very different from me?". It is the exact same way I felt being in a room of heterosexual men. The barrier you felt is what a same-sex struggler can feel when they walk into a church gathering. That barrier may not necessarily be accurate but it can be their perception. When I discovered that men that seemed so different from me were actually not that different at all, it was as if I had been given a lifetime membership to what I always thought as an exclusive and private club. I agree with Alan in saying that you are on the right path to reconciliation. Thanks again for your honesty and courage!
Jeff Buchanan
Associate Pastor - New Song Christian Fellowship
Regional Representative - Exodus International
I am so thrilled to see Christian Print Media address this issue so boldly. Having been in post gay ministry for 17 years I am sad to say too many of my brothers and sisters have either accepted the wrong assumption that homosexual activity is nothing more than a variation of heterosexuality and we should just accept those who practice it and leave them alone... or on the other hand that they belive that homosexuality is a much worse sin than any other.. both of which are completely wrong.. It is time those of us who bear Christ's name know what we are talking about and work to discover what sin is and more importantly what Love is. We must abhor all sin including homosexuality because it falls short of God's created intent for mankind.. but we must also love those who practice it and treat them as precious treasures.. because they are.
Thank you NEW MAN for sharing Alan's wonderful story.
Nancy S. Brown
Texas Regional Representative, Exodus International
Austin, Texas.
Thank you for this blog post. The one thing that young men struggling with their sexuality need most is for strong, Godly men to step out of their comfort zones and embrace them.
Thanks for encouraging others to do what it takes!
To Alan and the others from Exodus--thank you for your kind and encouraging words. Any advances we make in this area will be because we followed your courageous examples.
Thank you too to the others brave enough to have shared your struggles with same-sex attraction.
May God bless you as you spread His grace!
Drew Dyck
Drew, just keep letting the Lord lead you in this area. There are many gays who will still lable you as homophobic unless you completly accept their lifestyle. But there are many more you can reach by not treating them any differently than those who struggle with other things. Thanks for your blog.
Rev. David Foreman
Re-Union Ministries
www.reunionsingers.com
Drew,
Thanks for your words and desire to reach out to those who have same-sex attractions. As one who has come out of the homosexual lifestyle, I echo what Jeff Buchanan said in that I felt awkward (and often still do) being in a room full of men talking about sports or their exploits with women.
This easily alienates guys who might struggle with homosexual thoughts. But unfortunately, it happens even in Christian circles. All of us often unintentionally alienate people with our words and actions.
Thank you for being intentional about being sensitive to those different than you!!
Christopher Yuan
Professor at Moody Bible Institute
Member of Exodus Church Network
International Speaker
www.christopheryuan.com
Drew, thanks for opening up this topic of conversation. It is much needed in our churches.
Not many church members would know how to approach the situation you mentioned. We've got to change this.
Nancy Brown commented that churches either accept homosexuality or believe it is a worse sin than any other. I think there is a third approach that is killing us. This approach consists of looking the other way and ignoring the problem.
We must get our churches to begin educating our members in how to reach out compassionately and redemptively to those who struggle with homosexuality.
Thanks again for being upfront.
Bob Stith
National Strategist for Gender Issues
Southern Baptist Convention
I found your article interesting. I appreciate knowing people--christian people--would stand up for gay people so that they may keep their jobs, or be protected from harsh treatment. (such as i'm guessing the congregation would have reacted with to the former worship leader)
What is troubling to me is this blind push for these people "struggling" with their sexuality to go to a ministry to change. After spening several years involved in an exodus related study i found many empty adult men, even a former leader of an exodus ministry who had not changed at all. One man needs a slew of antidepressants to stay sane. All the while he is white-knuckling his battle to suppress his homosexuality. Another is a former exodus affiliated leader who tried to reach out to his clients, but ended up sleeping with them. And finally there was a Christian counselor, happily married, who instead of helping his client deal with his homosexuality, seduced him.
The kicker is that i was the client that was hurt. So please my brothers and sisters in Christ, if you are not a homosexual yourself, be careful of how you "reach out" to those you feel are in need.
Much love,
Mike G.
I believe Bob Stith is right on. The approach of many churches is to look the other way and ignore the problem. How sad!
As an "ex-gay" it is fantastic to hear people want to discuss this and not recoil in disgust. God was clear that there is not level of sin, that sin is sin and we all must die for it but for the grace of God. I am very proud that my wife and I are committing our lives to this very ministry and I did have consequences to pay for my sin, but the redemption is far mor amazing than I could have ever imagined.
I am married and stuggle with same sex attaction. My wife does not know. I am attending sex addicts anonymous meetings and church-related addictions programs. They seem to help a little, but I'm still attacted to other men. I think that as long as I don't act out sexually with other men that I'm okay. I guess I just want to be right with God. Thank you to everyone who has posted on this subject.
Anonymous,
Thank you for your honesty. I'd encourage you to keep going to the sex addicts group. The more help and accountability you can get, the better. You may, at some point, consider telling your wife too. It would be good to have her support as you fight this battle.
Drew
Thank you for the encouragement, Drew. I really want to tell her, but I don't know how to go about it. We rarely have sex anymore, and I don't want her to think it's her fault. I pray that I could love my wife as Christ loved the church. It's a strong command that I struggle with a lot.
While I am happy to see that you have noticed that the church has greatly failed in outreach to homosexuals, it is most depressing to see that NOT ONE of the posters (including several from national ex-gay organizations) offered any words of SOLUTION.
I came out of homosexuality last year after suffering over 30 years with it. I bring this to light not to brag or because I think it gives me any "authority" on this topic, but I think I can help shed understanding. For those wondering, all of my teaching has come directly from reading the Bible and at the direction of the Holy Spirit, not from anything any person has told me. I would suggest the same to all of you. To rely on any person, rather than the Holy Spirit, is folly, because people are corruptible and imperfect unless led by God.
Therefore, my opinion comes from revelation of the Word of God to me personally, not from any Pastor or Teacher. I submit that you consider all that I write only in light of your own prayer and consideration of the word of God.
I purposely never went to an Exodus meeting because I had read numerous articles about their ex leaders falling back into sin (that doesnt exactly inspire hope for change).
I believe that God has shown me that homosexuality is a great deception of Satan. What makes it particularly effective is that Satan convinces you that this is "unchangeable and developed from birth". The popular media feeds into this lie, it is espoused by gays who live the lifestyle, and even worse the "church" has no hope or solution other than to say "its an abomination, dont do it or you are going to hell".
I can assure you that homosexuality is not a "choice" as in a conscious decision (what moron would CHOOSE to be gay and be hated and unlovable by God and family?). Because the person trapped has NOT made a conscious decision to live that life (do you recall ever making a "conscious" decision to be straight..it just came "naturally" to you and so it appears to the homosexual as well?), it supports the lie of Satan, that "homosexuality is unchangeable".
The "choice" of homosexuality is two-fold 1) whether to act on those desires, as all people have to choose whether to act on their own unholy desires, whatever those may be for that person. Unfortunately, even chastity is no "cure" because if you have the thoughts of homosexuality Jesus has already said its the same as performing the act(Matt 5:22,5:28. For all who deal with the issue of lust (straight or gay) its quite a struggle when no matter where you go your temptation continues to show up all around you. The difference is that with straight lust at least you can get married and have a "sanctified" version to fulfill your lust/need for companionship. There is no such option for the homosexual, and thus the feeling of "fighting a hopeless fight".
2) the "choice" of whether to accept the lie/deception that you are gay in the first place. This is very difficult because numerous people throughout a gay persons life have "declared" homosexuality over that person. People dont understand the power of the spoken word. Saying "that person is effeminate or that person is gay or a momma's boy" is a CURSE on them.
This is an insidious deception because the person affected cant pinpoint any "decision" of their own to "correct" or "repent" for, particulary as a teenager when they very likely have yet to have an actual sexual experience. Most gays will indicate that they were gay for as long as they can remember, typically ages as young as 5-8. In effect, Satan makes the person believe they have no part in this, that it is just a "part of them unchangeable". How can you ever overcome something when you inherently believe it CAN NOT be changed? When you have prayed (in great earnestness and agreement with other Christians to NOT be gay) and it has not come to pass? An overwhelming number of gays that I have known and spoken to have indicated that at least at one point in their life they had a very sincere desire to not have those feelings, have sought Gods or the church help in this, and found no answers other than "dont do it" or some lame counseling.
The solution, as all solutions, is complete surrender to Christ, who then supernaturally through the Holy Spirit makes the change (in my case gradually over several months, yet quickly in comparison to the long time frame of 30+ years on the other side). It is not enough to just WANT to change, even desperately, only complete surrender to the will of Christ in every aspect of your life (not just in your area of challenge)(Matt 7:21) (not just believing in Christ as many Christians falsely teach) can impart the change.
My answer to the church? Love everyone and condemn no one, while as one poster put it, testing all things and lovingly reproving by the word of God. In the case of homosexuality the real struggle is in recognizing the deception of Satan. Therefore, in witnessing to the person trapped in that lifestyle offer HOPE not condemnation. The HOPE of Glory, Christ in us. Plant the seed of hope and redemption, and the Holy Spirit will do the rest to bring it to harvest. If you plant condemnation, all you will do is play into Satans hand and add to the "there is no hope of change" mentality that already exists.
This is a very serious spiritual battle. It is one of Satans most successful ploys because it is planted very early in life and then confirmed by numerous stupid people through their cursing words. Dont be one of those stupid people. Pray for God to open the eyes of the gays to the insiduous deception that Satan has used on them.
Pray (Faith), give Hope (Hope) lovingly correct through the word of God (Love) (I cant find the verse, but its the one that says Now abideth Faith, Hope, and Love) Never condemn.
To anonymous who is married and struggling, I would like to share with you these 3 things.
1) There is HOPE. The desire CAN be removed from your heart through the Holy Spirit, you can not do it alone. For me personally, it was like "taming a beast". Initially the beast was strong and fought mightily..it roared and struggled and caused me great difficulty. Then after about 2 weeks it became much easier, progressively easier with the more time that passes. Dont be fooled, the enemy will try many things against you. I tried a sex addict class, immediately I was subject to much increased attacks (temptations). I got the heck out of that class and immersed myself in the word of God. I cant speak to your situation, all I can tell you is my own experience. Get rid of all porn (straight or gay). Anything that inspires lust wont help you. If you go to problem websites delete your accounts and dont return to them. I have never been to a 12 step class, but I know with any addiction its a Day by DAy overcoming. Am I still attracted to men? Yes, I still recognize that men can be attractive and I notice an attractive man....Do I have any desire in my heart to have a relationship with a man or do I lust after men that I see? Not at all....God has COMPLETELY removed the desire. Yes, my eyes still see and recognize their looks, but its not a STRUGGLE its just a simple "no thanks". And its not like Im lying to myself, I genuinely am not interested, no matter how "attractive" they may be.
2) It is a lie from Satan and a curse. At some point someone has falsely spoken homosexuality over you, or abused you so that you thought it had to do with you, or your father died or left when you were young which created a longing for men you didnt understand. Whatever your particular situation, think upon your history, and renounce those occurences or core issues in the name of Jesus.
3) Do not confuse finding men attractive with homosexuality. The homosexual believes that he will find LOVE in male companionship. Sex is merely a secondary factor. Even the most ravenous gay sex addict will tell you that they are looking for love. Many straight men are curious about other men, but they are straight. So if thats your situation, you are not under the deception of being gay you are just under a spirit of lust. Your combat method is the same (pray, have faith in Gods ability to change you, know that you have the Hope of change through Christ (Greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world) and love yourself and God with your hole heart. Take your Bible, pray to God to give you supernatural revelation before you open it, then allow the Spirit to take you to the passages that are meant for your heart. You will be shocked, it really works! The Spirit of God will guide you to the words that you need to address your situation (this works for everything not just lust).
I cant stress enough that you have to determine to submit EVERYTHING in your life to the will of Christ. Just professing belief in Christ is not enough to make you "born again". If you have other areas that need addressing you must totally clean house. Homosexuality is so deep rooted that it just wont leave unless all the other parts of your life are pure as well. I believe this is what Christ means in Matthew chapter 7.
Billy Graham said it this way when asked how to not go to hell...1st you must repent of your sins...2nd you must believe and profess Christ as the Son of God who died for your sins...3rd you must not return to your sins, but keep Gods commandments.
Solomon, declared by the Bible as the wisest man in history said this in summarizing all of his wisdom, "The conclusion, when all has been heard, is: fear God and keep his commandments" Eccl 12:13
I would add to that, and trust in Jesus, the HOPE of GLORY, He will set you free.
My name is Joseph. I am a Christian, and my primary orientation is homosexual. I am in my late 40's, and I have struggled with the issues since my teens.
Churches are, in general, much more accepting of the alcoholic, adulterer, and thief than of the homosexual man or woman.
I have been through counseling and many programs. The best that theses programs could ever offer me was that they could help me change my behaviors, but could not take away my desires.
What the Church, in general, fails to recognize is that people like myself my never be "healed" of this. We may always have the desires. The message that comes from the pulpits is that people like me are going to hell for our attractions, not for our actions.
Every person should be held accountable for how he or she acts, and not for how he or she feels.
The isolation and lonliness in the churches is sometimes unbearable. The moment I mention to anyone what I feel, then doors close. Which, is ironic, because the men's groups in so many churches encourage having an "accountability partner". So, what are the alternatives for people like me?
Hey Joseph,
I understand where you are, I walk there too. I am constantly in the process of being healed, but am not all the way there yet. I do have an accountability parter - in fact a group of four of us who meet either in person or by internet on regular times. It has helped some, but more than anything else for me the overcoming is talking about it in the trusted circle. When I am tempted, I confess it, and we pray and talk through it. I have not acted out in over 25 years, but every now and then something comes along to remind me of where I used to walk, and try and entice me back there. Praise God that he made a place for me to walk it out with help.
I pray that God will open doors for you to do the same. A place where you can belong in safety, and find a path toward healing.
Anonymous,
Thanks for the reply back. I did not intend to elicit pity. But when I read my own post it did sound a little “whiney”. I was trying to make the point that Churches, for the most part, are afraid of having homosexual men and women in their congregations.
It is all to easy to suggest they go to some support group or an Exodus “style” therapy, but as far as having any real sense of belonging in the Church, it is, for the most part, non-existent.
Here is an example:
One large ministry in my area was looking for volunteers. To volunteer, an application form had to be filled out and submitted. The questions not only included relating your salvation experience and asking for personal references, but it had questions about past issues you may have struggled with.
If you indicated that you had ever struggled with alcohol, you had to attest that you had not had a drink in the last year. The same went for premarital sex and adultery. Then there was a question about homosexuality. If you indicated that you had ever struggled, you must attest you have not had homosexual relations in the last 5 years, you would be required to speak with a ministry approved counselor, and would be allowed to volunteer only under direct supervision of a paid ministry staff member.
I have been asked to leave Churches (yes more than one) when I voluntarily, and privately spoke with the pastor about my struggles. And, I am not alone. Most Christians who admit to their struggles in this area are treated like they have the plague. Oh yes, you can drink too much, and that is forgiven. You can sleep with anyone of the opposite sex, and that is looked on as a forgivable transgression (we are all just human). But admit to struggling against homosexual feelings, and you are worse than nuclear waste.
There are more closeted homosexuals in the Church than anywhere else. If it is true that admitting you have a problem is the first step in any cure, then the Church is going to keep many of its own from ever finding their cure.
To be quite honest, I am sick and tired of Church. I don’t want to go to a “gay affirming” Church. I want to go to a Church that will welcome me, regardless of my struggles and stand with me in faith. That is something I have never found. It seems there are 2 worship choices for men and women struggling against this.
1. Go to a gay oriented church
2. Keep your mouth shut, stay in the Church closet; risking falling back without the support of a community of faith.
Joe,
Actually, there is hope. I serve in an international ministry as the head of the organization. My board and many of my close leaders know my past, and know I must constantly guard myself today. I am tired of church too - but I am not tired of real relationships within the body of Christ that build me, strengthen me, hold me accountable and allow me to do the same. It is just really hard to find for most people.
I make a choice every day to remain pure - just like a drug addict, or an alcoholic. I choose to stay open and transparent before God and before an selected few (including my wife) who have the right to ask the hard questions.
More than pity for your situation, I feel greif that the body of Christ has not come farther than this, and I do understand your pain - I have lived it.
Wow. I just stumbled across this by accident from your most recent post, and it struck my heart so deeply. As a woman who's husband left her and the church to pursue homosexuality, and has refused all offers for help and support, the past five years have been really hard. And yes the church does fail homosexuals in many ways, or offer our weak and trite statements like we love the sinner but hate the sin. For me, it's been feeling like I am all alone in this as no one in my church or close circle has ever dealt with this sort of situation and they don't know what to say to me.
But, thank you for what you've said and for using your platform to reach out. I struggle with judgement at times only because this has touched me so personally. Before my husband left, I never took any issue with gay or lesbian folk, and living in Vancouver BC in canada, well there are a lot. Now I find myself torn between a heart for ministering to others like me, and the judgement I feel towards my ex for what he's done to us. As long as their are Christians out there like you, and organizations like Exodus that are founded on love, and not hear mongering or hate, then we can do as we are commanded; love others.
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