Never Look Twice
Today's world is tough on the Christian man's eyes. The trends in women's clothing continue to get, well, scarcer. Tops are getting lowered and shorts are getting shortened. The standards in media for what is appropriate in television, movies and advertising continue to get looser, even as the clothes get tighter.
Not only that, but the amount of images hitting our eyes today continues to grow out of control as advertisers search for new ways to get our attention. Can I get an "Amen!" from anyone sick of seeing ads on our e-mail programs?
There's never been a tougher time to deal with the issue of lust. Beyond the fact that we see far more sexy images on a daily basis than men from previous generations did, there is also the trouble of "escalation." The real danger in a sexy advertisement or movie scene is not so much the image itself but what might happen if we allow that image to continue to play out in our imaginations.
If a man today starts lusting in his mind, he has the ability to continue that lust through unencumbered access to more free pornography than has ever existed, and that's when things really start to get nasty.
I developed a simple technique for my eyes a while back that has helped immensely with this problem. I never look twice.
When I was in a Bible study with several Christian guys in college, we remarked that there was only so much control we had over the types of images we could see in our daily lives. We realized that the problem doesn't come when you notice something that sparks your attention. The problem comes when you look again and start to think about why that sparked your attention. That's when your attention turns to lust, and that's when things get hairy.
So now, whether it's a woman on the street, an ad or a scene on TV, I just don't look the second time, and I make sure my mind is occupied with something else. I make sure my eyes are looking at the nice tree in front of me instead of the attractive woman across the street. I'll examine the balding man's head in the theater seat in front of me instead of the sketchy part of the movie I'm watching. I'll make sure that any magazines or catalogs with women on the front are at the bottom of the mail pile, covered by the bills. Nothing will get you out of the mood faster than bills.
I'm certainly not perfect when it comes to this, and I can always improve, but I've found that defeating lust is much easier if you take it out at the beginning, rather than letting it grow. Getting in the habit of not automatically looking away really makes things a lot easier on my eyes.
I'm sure a lot of other guys do this, but it's something that works for me and I wanted to share it. Of course, in our constant battle against lust we all have to play it differently. In addition to looking away, you might need to place greater restrictions on what you allow yourself to look at in the first place. Every man is different, and the key to living in this world lust-free is knowing what you can handle and what you can't.
Does anyone else have some tips on the way they handle their eyes?
posted by Editor at 2:21 PM
28 Comments:
It's good advice. Also fill your conscience with Word Studies. Don't just sweep the house clean, but replenish with something good. This may not eliminate the temptation, but it will increase the resistance
Those are all good pieces of advice, but another one is to realize that we cannot do this on our own. We need to the help of our brothes. Eccl 4:12 tells us that. We need each other to watch our backs, and to hold us accountable. Stephen Arterburn, author of Every Man's Battle, says that if we can win the war with our eyes, we can win the war. But it always begin with our eyes. What we see with our eyes, goes into our mind, and what goes into our mind, goes into our heart. So our eyes our are first defense.
I've known too many good strong christian men, the ones we all admire, who after claiming for ages, even years, that they had victory over lust and porn, finally either be caught or come clean and admit in fact it was their secret sin and they were too embarrassed to admit it as so many other "weaker" men looked up to them. I am one such person. Fact is I am attracted to women and I've tried everything recommended--it doesn't work. you can pray until your blue in the face, do replacement thinking or whatever, eventually you will succumb. Actually it is estimated if we are TRUTHFUL 95% of born again men have this problem so that means most likely this writer and everyone who reads this post! And, you know what? I never got into harder and harder images. Soft porn remains enough. A lot of that other stuff is fear mongering. It's not nice. I won't freely admit it but I will anonymously. I love too how NO ONE ever gets a word or insight about this when praying for me but can offer up tons of other things instead. No one knows, and as I've found out, the same with most of the christian men who have confided in me. You;d be truly shocked if you knew who is really looking. Even if they preach on it, that means nothing. There is a lot of show in church.
To John's comment: it's not always the eyes at all! For men like me, it's lusting about the situation-the lead up to a seduction, the allure-not the physical act itself or even the images. It's the IDEA that does it. I could have that if blind! And yes, its lusting and giving in to temptation in my mind.
I have done accountability group only to ALWAYS find out later, sometimes years, that many of the men still weren't honest as they pretended to be transparent, offering just enough struggle to seem real, going to appease wives, gf's or whatever.
Admit it, you're probably all one too. God knows.
take it out.
What is even tougher is when you're in church, trying to praise the Lord, and it doesn't matter which direction you look, there are young ladies dressed like streetwalkers.
Because they wanted to avoid any kind of breach in the commandment against adultery, many Pharisees determined never even to glance at a woman. Of course, when out and about in the streets, this became a bit difficult. So some Pharisees consistently walked with their heads down. These folks eventually became known as "bleeding Pharisees" because they regularly walked right into buildings! You could always spy them walking around with hankies on some fresh wound on their foreheads!
2 Peter 2:14 speaks of "having eyes full of adultery." Job 31:1 in The Message says, "I made a solemn pact with myself never to undress a girl with my eyes." In The New Living Translation this reads, "I made a covenant with my eyes not to look with lust at a young woman." Most of us have not only done that but thoroughly enjoyed it.
anonymous
Lets not forget that for many other christains,lusting after women is never a problem and will never be a brother to them,but lusting after their fellow brother is a real hard problems,i guess the solution is the same but the situation different,i do not have problems with women even if they decide to go naked but seeing a man on shorts,bare chest or bulging chest and arms sends waves into my bones,i hate to admit that,i think we need the help of the Holy Spirit more than ever
Brothers,
Please do yourself a favor and enroll in the 60 day sexual purity course offered by Setting Captives Free. www.settingcaptivesfree.com
I promise you won't regret it.
Pierre Eade
www.christiangrowthnetwork.com
One thing that helps me is to remember that all people I come into contact with are God's children. The "good" the "bad" and the "not so attractive." In doing so it's easier for me to quickly think that does not belong to me. That's God's child, someone else's wife, someone's sister, etc.
When I look around me as a woman who loves the Lord, I can understand how this has become a big problem in today's society. At one time I was shopping for a pair of jeans, but I couldn't find any that were not of stretch material. I wasn't quite looking for a second skin... One shop assistant/owner asked me what I needed and when I explained, "an old fashioned stylish pair of jeans", he replied that I was never going to find it, because shops stock what the public wants and that is not what they want. I've never been back to that shop... I agree that fashion trends have changed drastically. I don't even shop anymore because I don't prefer see through, too low, too short or too tight. Not because I don't look good in it, but because I don't care for every man on the street to see 'all of me'. What does a woman buy who wants 'sensual',soft or feminine? I don't believe there's anything wrong with wanting to feel like a lady. I have great respect for a guy who wants to tell a lady to cover herself more appropriately because he respects her (and himself). I believe that porn (in any form) is a bondage. I don't think one should pray for the problem, but rather that God reveals what the ROOT of the problem is instead. Until that is resolved, the 'fruit' will keep showing up. I pray that God will increase the desire/hunger in men's hearts to love and please Him; that HE will become MORE visible to the 'naked eye'. Maybe we, as woman, need to care more about Holy Spirit's opinion of what we look like before we leave the house. Does He approve of our appearance (our message)? Maybe we should spend some time again to find out what God's idea of a beautiful woman really is. May we have more grace so that we may see through God's eyes.
I to am not perfect but some years ago I once had wandering thughts over a young lady.... as she turned round I saw my daughter and the impact on what I would have thought of someone else having my thoughts about my daughter!!!
It wasn't actually my daughter but I reckon God put that picture in my mid and so all I could see in the future when straying was that image and my repulsion at myself.
Everyone we look at is someone's daughter or wife or sister or mother..
Will we ever be able to reverse the trend of gratuitous poprn on our TVs etc etc??
The writer said he turned his eyes when he was watching a movie at the theater to stay holy from lust. But I don't think going to theaters is holy and suggest he does not go to movies in the first place. It is more appropriate to sit home and read the Bible.
'Anonymous' suggests that one stay home and read your Bible... The problem with that is that temptation walks everywhere, even sits or stands in front of you in church (as another reader noted). Staying at home, only reading your Bible, does not solve the problem, I think. How does one live that way? I think God calls us to conquer sin in His power, not to be imprisoned by it. (News headline: Lust condemns millions to house arrest) - just imagine...?
I have read a lot of the comments and one thing I have not read was about fighting back. We need to fight back. As John Elderidge says in Wild At Heart, the price is too high, we can not afford to lose this battle. We need to step up to the plate and fight back. The enemy is not going to shrink back from the battle nor should we. We need to fight for our families, for our wives, for our kids, for our church, and for ourselves. As the first line in Every Man's Battle says, from Ephesians 5:3, Let there be NO hint of any sexual immorality..... Get that guys, NO HINT! The only way we are going to get that is by fighting back. Yes, accountability does work, I was addicted to pornography for over 20 years. I finally joined a men's support group in our church, put a filter on my computer, got an accountability partner, and started becoming real with myself. Come January of 2010, I will be "porn free" for 2 years. Do I still struggle? Yes, but now I have learn how to deal with the struggles. It is called having a battle plan. We can't go into a fight, without having a battle plan. But yet so many of us men do exactly that. We try to fight the enemy of our terms and lose every time. Eccl 4:12 says a man standing alone can be defeated, but two men standing back to back can stand and conquer. When was the last time you conquer anything? Settingthecaptivesfree is good, BeBroken has a 40 days course, Every Man's Battle is good. K9 is an excellent filter for your computer, Covenant Eyes is a great accountability software for your computer. But without these tools we are like a ship without a rudder.
Have someone who knows something about computers set up OPENDNS.COM on your home network. It can prevent a huge quantity of junk from ever making it to your computers. It protects you and your family if set up right. No I don't work for them, and it is free.
"What does a woman buy who wants 'sensual',soft or feminine?"
Liane, that too is a problem. Just the softness, smell of a woman and that certain sensuality is enough to set my mind up with ideas and imagining what that woman is like--no visuals even needed in my mind-Just the idea of being intimate with that person. For me, I never even fantasize the sexual act itself. that is totally secondary but it is lust anyway.
filters help, yes, but ONLy if the main problem is visual. If you are lie me, and liek alot of guys, it is the idea that gets us. You can;t out filters on that adn it wouldn;t matter if everyone woman was dressed like is some strongly Islamic country from head to toe. Even her voice can simply be enough.
So,no, those programs you mention don't work for that at all. It's not my eyes that would need plucking, it's my nose, ears, and brain!!
Disappointing to see how unreal most men are. Yes, we try to contend, and FIGHT but we are not going to rid ourselves of natural tendencies, evil or not. Fact is we are completely attracted to women. It doesn't matter if I think they are someone's daughter or whatever. And believe me, as I've been real with some men, I've found out that almost always the man in turn is real back and actually there are just the same but won't admit it to others -not even in a men's group.
Only in some latter day FIRE of the Holy Spirit can see faithful men truly delivered as a whole.
Okay, I am browsing my New Man, and now I am buried in "muck". Forgive me in advance if I am critical, but "Anonymous" has totally depressed my Spirit. I am praying for you brother. I have my share of "Every Man's Battle" too, but you are flat out hopeless in your outlook. Yes, it is a battle, but your comments are so discouraging that if readers take them to heart, they are all going to give up. I have several Scriptures I would like to share, but I am not going to in this post. The Word of God is more powerful than any temptation common to man. No, realistically we cannot all simply barricade ourselves in and read all day and night. Because we are "in the world" (not of the world), God will make a way of escape - if we seek it. Romans 5:3-5 shares about tribulation - endurance - character - and finally hope. My friend have some "hope"... be an encourager to the brethren and yourself. You are buried deep in conviction. I do feel your pain, but meditating on only the negative is not the answer. Love - Dave
Dave, well said! Stay positive and look for the ways God gives us "the out" from temptation.
Mine's pretty simple, but simple is good.
I simply think about my wife, Brittanica the Warrior Goddess. My wife is the most beautiful and hottest woman I know. Whether I look once or twice, I compare all women to Brittanica and all others simply don't compete, can't compete.
Sometimes I think, as men, we don't give ourselves enough credit for being able to do or think the right thing. If not, then we're saying that men are incredibly weak. I just don't buy it.
Jeffrey, that's cool having a "hot" wife would definitely help I bet!
Dave, thanks for your encouragement. I should tell you that only a few of the anonymous comments are mine so there are others out there too with similar issues.
I know you mean well, and I see your heart. Thank you. Fact is you can throw scripture at something all day long and believe as much as you want some things are just going to happen, regardless. the sobering stat that 95% of BORN AGAIN christians are into porn (or for me lust issues) IS discouraging but it's fact. We can dress it up however we want.
Bouncing the eyes and putting up roadblocks against temptation is vital. But the heart of Christianity is not just about getting your mouth off the hook or avoiding the hook; its about an internal change that makes the bait no longer attractive (thank you John Piper).
I talk some about this in one of my posts on the Covenant Eyes blog:
http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/2009/07/07/how-holy-lust-trumps-unholy-lust/
From my opinion the problem is this:
We have a flesh and it will always enjoy the sin. The spirit and the flesh fight against each other, but we will never get rid of the flesh. If we try to fight it in our own strength we will never win.We really need God's help to get out of bad behaviour.
What I can recommend is the teachnings of Joseph Prince. It has helped me to get out of porn addiction. Thank God!
Hope this will help somebody.
Best post was John R
Great victory story and great resourse suggestions. Let me repeat his plan for freedom. "I finally joined a men's support group in our church, put a filter on my computer, got an accountability partner, and started becoming real with myself."
Your story is inspiring. To all the sceptics out there, follow this plan and do the tuff work more then reading the bible any praying. I think you will be amazed with the results. Being accountable to someone is key. Imagine comming clean with your wife and commiting to telling her when you fall. You will be amazing at how little you fall. God bless
Well DC, tried that. Didn't work. I don;t think some of you can face fact with your theology that in spite of all the works and prayers, some thins still win through. It is reality for most men.
Dear brothers in Christ,
I'm the wife of a man who just like you struggles with lust. We have been fighting this battle for 8 years, with ups and downs. I've seen my man crying on the floor and I myself know it is not easy to keep our eyes and thoughts where they should. But, please, whatever you do, don't give up. Keep fighting.
If only you knew how much it destroys a wife's heart to know your husband's eyes are unfaithful to you, how it hurts to feel you are not good enough, how deep is the pain when all that, leads you to compare yourself with those beautiful women in the fantasies of your man (beucause unfurtunately not all of us wifes are as perfectly beautiful as the wife of the one guy who said he could compare his wife to all those other women and his wife would still be the best... Most of us don't have much confidence in ourselves specially after our bodies have changed so much with pregnancies, plus the extra years we have lived and even scars from cesareans or other operations).
Thank God His power is enough to heal even the greatest hurt and I thank He has healed my heart and my marriage, but like a glass that once was broken and repaired, I sometimes feel fragile and it lifts me up so much when my man turns his eyes to the right, when on the left there's a picture, a scene or a woman that could mean temptation.
It is a daily battle and you can't win unless you put on God's armor and fight.
For you women or men for that matter that have spouses that either struggle with lust or porn, you need to understand that just because they struggle with it, it does not mean that you are less desirable than another person. When people watch porn they tend to masturbate to this. The combination has been scientifically proven to cause unnatural chemical reactions in the body. To boil it down, when you view porn and masturbate together it creates an addictive drug overdose in your system. If you continue this action than the person becomes addicted to the chemical reactions taking place in their body, not necessarily what they are viewing. The viewing or the wondering eyes is more like the suringe not the drug.
SJ, I personally would like to hear in more detail, your struggle and how and when you over came your porn addiction, particularly how you over came with your connection to listening to Joseph Prince. Feel free to email me at danyl19671967@gmail.com
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