Question: My sex drive is usually in high gear. How do I ask my wife for sex without sounding, well, desperate?

Answer: This is a very common feeling among men. We have great biological pressure to have sex regularly.

But a woman's sex drive motivates her differently. It sparks her to desire communion in an emotional and spiritual dimension with her man.

Generally, when she feels close to him, she wants to express that closeness sexually. Her motivation for that too is different from a man's. When she is being sexual, she is not looking for a sex act. She is looking for a love event.

Women, in general, are not interested just in physical sex. A woman wants someone who will "make love" to her.

In male language, this means your wife wants you to talk kindly to her throughout the day, lovingly touch her in a nonsexual way, comment on her intelligence or giftedness, and then share the spiritual, emotional and physical act of making love.

I believe a woman intuitively desires three-dimensional sex—spirit, soul and body—in the majority of her sexual experiences. Communing with you from her soul is as important to her as fulfilling your physiological sex drive is to you.

If you haven't made the agreement with your wife that we discuss in Chapter 11, "Sexual Agreement," of my book Sex, Men and God (Siloam), then you will have to rely on your great skill to encourage her into sex. That's a difficult way to live. You'll feel like you're begging for sex all the time.

Instead, work out a clearly communicated plan with your wife that makes time for your sexual life. How often during a week do you want to have sex? Negotiate a frequency you both can live with. If you do, then you both will be clear on what your mutual expectations really are.

Then agree on which of you is going to initiate sex, and when. After you settle these basic sexual-management issues, you won't feel guilty if it's your turn to initiate and you want to be sexual. She also will not feel guilty if it's her turn but she isn't feeling like having sex that night.

Faithfulness to fulfill a sexual system gives you a much greater respect and appreciation for your wife. She becomes more precious and desirable in your heart. You will feel comforted in the knowledge that she's in this with you. You won't feel alone sexually.

I can't tell you how many men pull me aside and say things like, "I've never been this in love with my wife," simply because they have a sexual system in place. And they are not referring just to sexual frequency. They feel a sense of unity and love toward their wife because they are walking together in sexual agreement.

You'll also want to have alternate plans for dealing with stress and the way the masculine physical body wants to release it. Some men are more desperate for sex because it's the only exercise and stress relief they have.

Make time to exercise, and talk with a male friend about what's going on with you. It can help you not feel as desperate for sex. If your life is more in balance, then your wife won't feel like she's your fix-all button—and you won't either.

By Doug Weiss, Ph.D., founder of Heart to Heart Counseling Center and author of The Seven Love Agreements, which explains the power of unity in marriage and outlines seven “love agreements” that will revitalize relationships (available at strangdirect.com). Contact him at drdougweiss.com, info@drdougweiss.com or 5080 Mark Dabling Blvd., Colorado Springs, CO 80918. Visit his Web site at intimatematters.com.