A small classroom on the campus of Calvary Assembly of God in Winter Park, Fla. is the place. John Westcott leads a group of 15 men in worship without a microphone or speakers. They sing: "This is my desire ... to honor You." Westcott stands with hands raised, his lips moving silently and his eyes closed while a few other latecomers slip in and join the singing.

 

After the worship, Westcott talks to the group, who sit on the maroon-colored chairs and listen intently. He is a tall man whose body seems emaciated, as if he's been on a long fast. He wears a black turtleneck, a sheik black belt and blue jeans. His eyes are deep-set under his dark eyebrows.

 

Less a sermon than a personal story, he shares a 20-minute monologue about the intersection of his own frustrations with the faithfulness of a loving God.

 

That night, the men would talk about the challenges and the adventures that come with serving God. And, they would talk openly about their weaknesses--except instead of talking about being tempted by the girl next door, visiting Playboy.com or a strip club in a moment of weakness, they talk about lusting after men, dabbling with gay porn or visiting gay bars for companionship.

 

This scene is repeated every Monday night at 7 p.m. at Exchange, a ministry for Christians who want to leave the gay lifestyle. It's one of more than 100 similar groups affiliated with Exodus International, a nonprofit organization promoting the message of "Freedom from homosexuality through the power of Jesus Christ" to both men and women in 17 countries around the world.

 

Within both the Christian and secular communities, Exodus has challenged both those who respond to homosexuals with ignorance and fear and those who uphold homosexuality as a valid orientation.

 

According to Exodus President Alan Chambers, these extremes fail to convey the fullness of redemption found in Jesus Christ which is available to all who commit their lives and their sexuality to Him.

 

"The cross is big enough for those with same-sex attraction to be renewed," adds Randy Thomas, communications director at Exodus International. "When people can find their identity in God and not homosexuality, all their relationships shift, producing fruit--including healthy heterosexual relationships."

Exchange serves those in the Orlando area who are Christian, but still find themselves attracted to others of the same sex. This ministry couldn't have come at a better time.

 

Exodus International estimates that only a small percentage of the church's population today is made up of those who have been converted from the gay lifestyle. But they also say that many in the church have grown up with gay tendencies.

 

For those who chose to leave the gay lifestyle, it boils down to a decision that they must make every day: Choose Christ over everything else in your life, regardless of how you feel.

 

"We all have a choice," Westcott tells the men who attend Exchange. "With Christ's help we can make the right personal choices. We have to choose life in Christ over a gay lifestyle."

 

The group of men who attend Exchange range in ethnicity and age (from 20 to 70). Nothing about their dress or mannerisms lets on that they wrestle with same-sex attractions. A few have come with their wives, who know of their struggle and fully support them.

 

"There are men who struggle with same-sex attraction in almost every church," Westcott says later in his office. "But not all of them feel comfortable enough to share the secret with someone else."

 

Just as those who are openly gay have a vocabulary all their own, the vocabulary at groups such as Exchange is specific to those in the ex-gay community. Instead of "gay," the wording is more specific to those who have come out of the gay lifestyle: they talk of "gay tendencies" or the struggle with "same-sex attraction."

 

Occasionally there is talk about a Christian with gay tendencies who "acts out" or "falls," which, more bluntly, means they had sexual intercourse with another man.

 

The transparency of the group is evident ... and admirable. One of the men, "Rick" (who asked not to be identified), keeps to himself at first, sitting with his chin resting on his hands. Then he begins to talk about his victories--consistent prayer, Scripture memorization ... and his struggles--the desire to lust after other men.

Rick is just one of the thousands of men in churches today who wrestles with this scenario. What is life like for them? How did they come to have gay tendencies?

 

While ministries such as Exchange are proving that individuals can choose to leave the gay lifestyle, the men and women who participate in these ministries say that the issues surrounding homosexuality are much more complex than most people realize.

 

"There are many root causes [for homosexuality]," Westcott says. "But some of the common denominators are: A breakdown in a same-sex parent relationship, not relating to other male peers, an early exposure to sexuality and sexual abuse."

 

Rick says he never decided logically as a teenager to become a homosexual. Instead, he felt attracted to the same sex when he was only in elementary school.

 

"In my mind, it was something like a crush," he says.

 

He grew up in a Christian home and accepted Christ as a boy--about the same time he first started feeling an attraction to other men. His parents never abused him physically. No one sexually abused him. But he never connected with his father and instead went to his mother with questions and needs.

 

He takes issue with those who say that being gay is all about genetics. He insists he wasn't "born gay," but because of a faulty relationship with his father, his sexual identity was thrown off-kilter at a young age.

 

"More than anything, I think it was a longing to be loved and accepted by another guy," he says.

 

Since he was raised in the church, he became conscious of what the church and his family expected of him. He feigned an interest in women, but hid his attraction toward men.

 

"I've always had a desire to date a woman and get married, but, unfortunately, the attraction for men is stronger," he says. "Any relationship I have with a future wife will have to be based on complete honesty."

 

Throughout his life, Rick says he has to continually submit his thoughts and feelings to Christ.

 

"I don't want to wave a rainbow flag; I don't want to jump in bed with every guy I see; and I refuse to accept the line, 'That's just the way you are made,'" he says. "Now I'm in a new season of growth as I deal with the homosexual issues I've faced since childhood."

 

He likens his fight for purity to men who struggle with lustful thoughts about women. The enemy is different, but the battle tactics are the same.

 

"In an effort to avoid temptation, whenever I see a man that's attractive, I'll turn away and say a quick prayer, 'God I want to look at this guy, but I want You more.'"

 

Rick says the guys at Exchange encourage him--that by sharing same-sex struggles, the secrets get exposed, allowing Christ to change him in "faithful, small steps."

 

He says that this is what individuals coming out of the gay lifestyle need more than anything else: accountability and support, both from those who struggle and from those who don't struggle with this issue.

 

All too often, however, people coming out of homosexuality regularly face prejudice, both from the gay community that tells them they are deluded and from Christian men who feel disgusted by the gay lifestyle.

 

Westcott says relationships with godly men--who extended the love of Christ to him, offering an open ear and open arms without homophobic fears--made the difference in his life.

 

"I was very fortunate to have great relationships right after I became a Christian," Westcott says. "It is because of those relationships that I walked away from the gay lifestyle as quickly as I did."

 

While ministries such as Exchange continue to find greater acceptance within churches, they face increasing skepticism from gay-lifestyle advocates.

 

With many chapters across the United States, an outreach group called Evangelicals Concerned encourages those with gay tendencies to embrace their same-sex attractions and their faith at the same time. They also focus their efforts on deconstructing the work of groups such as Exchange.

 

"Most people who experience an ex-gay ministry just delay reckoning with their sexual identity," says Ralph Blair, founder of Evangelicals Concerned, in an interview with Second Stone, a pro-gay Christian news journal. "All of the old [ex-gay] leaders are gone now. Some of the material from early on is still out there, but the people who developed it have long since left the movement."

 

Advocates for change always have a rebuttal for such arguments. They point to transformed lives as evidence that change is possible.

 

"I just celebrated 12 years of coming out of the lifestyle on July 23," says Randy Thomas of Exodus International. "And Exodus has been around for 30 years. For him to say that is to deny an entire group of people."

 

"God brought me out of darkness--homosexuality, drugs, alcohol--and will continue the work He began until Christ's return," Westcott also counters.

 

A key to assisting those in the process of change is raw honesty, speaking the truth in love.

 

At an Exchange meeting, Westcott asks some of the men how their weeks have been. Some refuse to answer, others say, "Fine," and stare at the floor.

 

"Fine?" Westcott asks. "Fine is the Christian 'F' word. How are we really doing?"

 

After some of the guys confess that they haven't stayed accountable that week, he reminds them why they meet in the first place.

 

Again, the truth mixed with love is Westcott's weapon of choice.

 

"Don't waste my time," he says. "I don't have a lot of time left. If you are going to mess around and you refuse to be accountable to anyone, if you don't want to be a part of this group, then don't come here, because you're wasting everybody's time."

 

Some stare at John nodding; they know that he was diagnosed with HIV in 1986 and the disease still threatens his life. One man is crying softly; others divert their gaze during the awkward moment.

 

"You might think I'm a jerk," he continues. "And I acknowledge that this process can be hard. But you need to be making the right choices. You have to want to make the right choices."

 

The hardest part for him about leaving the lifestyle, Westcott explains later, was giving up what he thought was his identity.

 

By the time he was 22, he had been acting out for five years and had already tried to leave the lifestyle once, but fell.

 

"I was going to leave the [homosexual] life behind me. I tore up all the phone numbers and thought: 'I'm done. I'm changing.' But it wasn't that easy."

 

He became deeply involved in a relationship with another man, whom he lived with for seven years, until 1990.

Then, after a female co-worker experienced a Christian conversion, Westcott became curious about her new faith. She invited Westcott to a church service at Orlando Community Church, where ex-gay leader Sy Rogers was speaking.

 

"When I heard Sy Rogers, I found out that God did not create me to be gay and that change was possible," he remembers. "That night I made a conscious decision to leave the man I was living with."

 

That was the turning point for him: choosing Christ over his fear of isolation.

 

"Everyone knew I was in a committed relationship [with another gay man] for seven years," Westcott says. "It was everything about me."

 

Westcott left the lifestyle once again, but this time he began attending Exchange meetings, (then called Eleutheros). It's the ministry that he leads today, 10 years later.

 

"I got involved in that group and began walking through some tremendous healing in my life," he says. In the group, he gained accountability ... and relationships with other men who didn't view him as a "project to be fixed," but as a valued friend.

 

Two years later, he began dating Dena, a former lesbian he met through the group. Today, they have three children and have devoted their lives to helping others who want to leave the homosexual lifestyle.

 

"I stand in awe when I think back to where God has brought me from," Westcott says. "Like that verse says, 'out of the darkness and into the light.'"

 

All that many well-meaning Christians have to offer men coming out of the lifestyle is simplistic advice, which boils down to little more than, "Just find a nice girl and you'll be fine." Ex-gays say that encountering Christ doesn't guarantee that homosexual tendencies will disappear, even within the context of marriage.

 

John Westcott says that there is no deus ex machina for those who struggle with gay tendencies. Still, he insists that Christ can help those with gay tendencies to live beyond the gay lifestyle.

 

"They aren't going to change overnight, but we don't have to worry about changing anybody, we need to focus on discipling these men. Change is a manifestation of discipleship."

 

By Jonathon Heide. For more information about Exchange ministry or Exodus International, visit exodus-international.org