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Sons, Sex and Reality
Ten things you need to unlearn before having that 'big talk' with junior.

As I trotted onto the field for the first day of 7 ^th-grade football practice, I had a feeling it as not all it had been cracked up to be.

The helmet issued to me had humps over each of my ears because my body had not quite caught up to the growth of my head. My dad stood off behind the practice field watching as my teammates laughed at what appeared to be the strangest helmet anyone had ever seen. The problem was that it was planted on my head.

Chewing nervously on my mouthpiece, I caught a glimpse of Dad, who appeared to be standing 10 miles away. I remember the thoughts crossing my mind: Did he ever go through this? Did he get picked on, laughed at, made a fool of? Did his helmet ever look like mine?

Now, as a father of four sons, I know that my father had no idea what was going on. Although he faithfully stood by watching, he had no clue as to what was happening inside my helmet.

As fathers, we sit on the sidelines watching our son grow, stepping in whenever life provides an appropriate time-out. We may feel we have a great view of the action, only to later discover we were clueless. None of this is more true than when it comes to the subject of boys and sex.

In my job as a youth communicator, I’ve heard from countless young men about their questions and experiences in the area of sex. Unfortunately, a lot of what I hear contradicts many of the notions we fathers have come to believe.

So, sit back a minute, Dad, as we go inside our sons’ helmets and discover what they really think about sex vs. the myths of our “grown-up” perceptions.

Myth #1. Most boys don’t have their first sexual experience until high school.

Truth. In one study of sexually active 19-year-old males, at least 50 percent said they had their first sexual experience between the ages of 11 and 13. Yet almost all fathers I’ve spoken to seemed shocked at the possibility of their 11- and 13-year-olds being sexually active.

Myth #2. By 15, my son knows everything about sex from other sources besides me. There’s no reason for him and me to have the “big talk.”

Truth. Your son may know what his friends, the media and even his favorite music or sports celebrities think about sex, but his greatest influence is you. Besides, neither his friends nor the media will tell him the truth. Their opinions are filled with fantasy and exaggeration.

Myth #3. Most teens don’t want their dads’ affection now that they have become young me.

Truth. Most teens still desire their fathers’ affection. The key is finding those special moments when your son will consider it safe and not embarrassing. Quite often it’s difficult for your 6-foot tall, 200-pound to say, “Dad, could you hug me and pray with me and tell me everything is going to be all right?” Sensitivity to God and your son at this time may yield some life’s greatest rewards.

Myth #4. I will know when my son becomes sexually active.

Truth. As a father, I would like to feel that I would know if my son becomes sexually active before marriage, but studies indicate that most parents won’t. In one survey, only 14 percent of parents questioned believed their children were sexually active. This same survey reveals that 70 percent of those teens were already sexually active.

Myth #5. My son will tell me if he has a girlfriend.

Truth. One study revealed that 80 percent of parents felt their teens would tell them if they had a “steady.” Yet when teens themselves were questioned, only 36 percent said they would tell their parents if they had a girlfriend or boyfriend.

Myth #6. My son has a realistic view of sex. I’m sure he knows that a relationship cannot be on sex alone.

Truth. Most teens who have not been involved sexually, even those who are committed Christians, get most of their information on sex from their friends and the media. According to Josh McDowell Ministries, movies, TV, books, videos and other secular media tell teen boys that relationships with women are nothing more than a free pass at unlimited sex.

Real love is build on trust, honest, respect and communication. A lifelong relationship is only possible when Christ is our chief cornerstone and the Holy Spirit is our leader. It is impossible to over-communicate these things to our sons.

Myth #7. My son understands the consequence of premarital sex and sex outside of God’s guidelines.

Truth. Not only does your son probably not understand the consequences of sex outside of marriage, but few adults truly understand the physical and spiritual consequences. Here are a few:

STDs. One out of three sexually active students in America are carrying a sexually transmitted disease. One in four Americans has the herpes virus for which there is no cure.

Bad Memories. The worst part of sinful choices is the memories. Someone once said memories are Satan’s trophies that he uses to constantly remind us of our failures and himself of his “victories.”

Generational Curses. As a father, I can tell you that sin’s most biting sting is when I see my sin duplicated in my children. What fearful thought that my pride, my lust, my stubbornness could be passed on from me to my precious children as I model that behavior in front of them. For many of us, sexual immorality has been a generational curse passed down through our fathers, grandfathers and great-grandfathers. If this describes your family, as it did mine, tell your son that you and he have the opportunity to break generational curses and provide a godly heritage for your children and his.

Myth #8. My son does not have access to pornography.

Truth. Growing up, our idea of pornography was a magazine featuring some scantily clad or unclothed woman. Today it is altogether different. Movies that 10 years ago would have been rated X are now R-rated. Once Christian survey reveal almost 70 percent of Christian teens had seen an R-rated movie in the past six months.

MTV was randomly studied for six hours and at least half of its lyrics or viewing referred to sex. Other popular magazines and TV programs have content bordering on pornography.

My fourth grader, who was in a wonderful Christian school, had a classmate expelled for bringing pornography to his class. It would be naïve to assume my children will never have the opportunity to be exposed to pornography. I must not only protect them, but prepare them for the moment of temptation.

Myth #9. My son has never been tempted by homosexuality.

Truth. Less than 10 percent of teens admit to having a homosexual experience in their teen-age years, but 20 percent admit to same-sex play as children. It is here that I believe the enemy plants seeds of doubt in young men about their sexual identity. I have counseled many homosexuals and have yet to counsel one who had not been molested as a child or had truly bonded with his father. Though this may sound simplistic, I believe these are the two major contributors to homosexuality.

Myth #10. My son knows exactly what to look for in a lifetime partner.

Truth. In the biblical pattern, it is most often the parents who determine whom their children will marry. Though this seems strange to our self-willed, independent culture, it still takes place in Far and Middle Eastern nations.

Someone once said, “If you don’t know what you’re looking for, anything becomes attractive.” One of my greatest jobs, as well as privileges, is to help my sons know what a “Proverbs 31 woman” looks like—to teach them the qualities of a virtuous woman.

The seeds I plant in my sons’ lives today about God’s guidelines for love, marriage and sex give me an opportunity to help begin drawing them a portrait of their future mates. What an awesome responsibility!

By Jacob Aranza, who has been a speaker at major youth conferences, including young people rallies at Billy Graham crusades and Promise Keepers events.